Sexless Marriage – 7 Mistakes To Avoid
Sometimes people who are stuck in a sexless marriage are stuck because they are dumb when it comes to the intricacies of sexuality and the expression of love through sexuality. It isn’t that those who are stuck are dumb, but it is that they are dumb when it comes to sexuality. It’s for that group of “dumb” folks that I have written this list.
Sexless Marriage – First Dumb Thing to Do
You’ve heard it said that the definition of “crazy” is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. If what you are doing is crazy, then you better stop. I’m fond of telling myself, and others, that if what you are doing isn’t working – try something else!
Living systems survive because they are able to adapt, to change to the circumstances in which they find themselves in such a way that they are always better off. If what you are doing together sexually has you stuck, then adapt and do something else. It’s crazy to keep doing something that doesn’t work.
Second Dumb Thing to Do
However, it is really dumb to just do nothing! Lots of people give up – not because they are screwed up people – but because they simply don’t know what else to do. If your paradigm is “I can’t” or “she won’t” or “he won’t” then you have to think outside of that paradigm. It is dumb to do nothing when you can get smart about having great sex.
Third Dumb Thing to Do
It’s dumb to not consider all the physical problems that could be getting in the way. Think of an ordinary garden hose for a moment. If you pick up the end of the hose and point it at some flowers in the garden, and squeeze the nozzle while pointing… and nothing comes out, what do you do? You don’t stand there pointing and squeezing all day, do you? You don’t put the nozzle down and come back to it day after day, week after week, pointing and squeezing to no avail, do you? No, you adapt!
You turn around and check to see if you have taken the time to turn the water on, and then you check to see if you have a kink in the hose, and then you check to see if the nozzle is working properly – that’s what you do. If you want to be turned on and to enjoy something a little kinky you must consider the physical problems that either of you might be having. If it isn’t flowing, it is dumb not to consider the physical problems that might be in the way.
I want to also include in here the issue of technique. Let me make this one summary statement:
- Since 40% of women don’t have an orgasm through intercourse
- And 75% of men ejaculate within 2 minutes of initiating intercourse
- And after 21 minutes of good clitoral stimulation 92% of women have an orgasm consistently
- Then men and women need to learn how to have great “Outercourse” rather than intercourse, by which I mean the focus should be on the Vulva not the vagina, and the primary sexual tools should be tongue, fingers, and hands… as well as heart and mind.
It is dumb to not understand the physiology of sexual pleasure, to use the wrong tools for the job.
Fourth Dumb Thing to Do
If your relationship is in trouble, your sexuality might be a casualty. It is very hard to make love with someone you don’t get along with, or like.
- If your transactions drop below a 3-to-5 ratio, good-to-bad, then your relationship is really in trouble.
- If your self-esteem is not enhanced by your relationship then you are in trouble.
- If your sense of belonging isn’t enhance… not a good sign.
- If you don’t feel loved
- Or if you feel like a failure with your partner in one way or another
- Or if you are bored to tears with each other
- Or if you feel controlled and dominated by your partner, or if your partner feels controlled and dominated by you…
It all can result in a loss of sexual desire. It is dumb to make love with someone you don’t like, and it is dumb to avoid the issues behind your loss of sexual desire.
Fifth Dumb Thing to Do
Guilt and shame kill libido, and guilt and shame are used by tribes to keep them members in line. Your culture might have helped you to get stuck.
It is dumb to not confront and get beyond the guilt and shame that your culture has placed on sexuality, sensuality, and sexual behavior in general. If you are limited because of the messages that you have received about sex being “dirty,” or the messages you have received about being “manly” or “womanly”… or whatever… then confront the facts, uncover the truth, and give it all your own meaning. It is all natural. Maybe it is more natural for some people than for others, but it is all natural as long as it doesn’t do violence to anyone.
It is also dumb to not write your own definitions of “right” and “wrong” when it comes to sexual behavior between the two of you. It is so very important to be able to experience novelty in your sexuality, and if you write off something as “wrong” then you are cutting yourself off from potential novelty. You look at what your tribe of people defines as right and wrong, and then the two of you decide for yourselves what works for you
Sixth Dumb Thing to Do
If you don’t get your personal stuff lined up with great sexual pleasure, you might well be screwing yourself.
If you have personal garbage in your life that you haven’t been able to throw out, garbage that has caused you guilt and shame, then do something about it. It is dumb to allow that garbage to trash your self-esteem
If you have unhealthy thoughts about sexuality then bone up on the subject at hand and get beyond the limits imposed by your mental model.
If you are emotionally constipated when it comes to sex, then do something to free yourself up. What is the problem? Look at the list here and clarify the issues. Then, get smart, adapt, change, do something different.
If you have a “mental illness” that is getting in the way, it is dumb not to figure out how to work around it… if you can.
Seventh Dumb Thing to Do
It is possible that there are some spiritual and/or energetic issues that are behind your sexless problems.
In 2003 there was much talk, for the first time really, about how drained so many people are. Not enough energy to make love. Too busy, too much of the time. Here in the United States we have been seduced into chasing after all sorts of material stuff as if the acquisition of things would bring us bliss. “Hi! How you doing? Busy?” That has become the standard greeting. Truth is, too many of us are so busy “making a living” that we haven’t the time to make love.
The result is that many of us have unbalanced energy systems; our Chakras are out of balance and we don’t perform at optimum levels. And some of us have souls that are disturbed – souls that are struggling to find “center” and to stay there. It is as if a love affair with God has taken hold of us and we are in the midst of shifting our priorities and intentions.
At these times sex often seems like a distraction, or like something that is somehow too self-indulgent and pleasure seeking.
Sometimes, it is “dumb” to chase after counterfeit Gods as if bliss can be found at Walmart or Macy’s. Sometimes, it is dumb to slip the other way and become too ascetic in search of bliss, when all of creation was given to us for our delight.
There are other dumb things we do, too, but that list is the one you expected when you began to read this article of advice. They include the following:
- Getting frustrated and angry… demanding more sex. This always backfires.
- Purchasing penis enlargement gizmos that perpetuate the Grand Gland Illusion.
- Getting into too much masturbation, which trains your mind and body to expect immediate sexual gratification.
- Turning to an affair for mere relief.
- Buying jells, creams, secrete potions… all claiming to give you “hot sex.”
- And finally, focusing on one area of struggle while ignoring the others!
How common it is for a man to buy Viagra (or one of the others) as if that alone will solve the whole problem. So often it only increases the problem because she still doesn’t like him, and his selfish technique still frustrates her… but with Cialis (or one of the others) she can run into the dilemma more frequently!